Real men sleep naked

Real men would rather do backflips through the Queen Street mall while naked than be seen in a pair of pyjamas. Pyjamas are the retreat of the cardigan wearer, the slumberwear equivalent of short-sleeved business shirts from Target.

I have received several pairs of pyjamas as gifts from various well-meaning persons and all remain in a bottom drawer in preparation for my Great Pyjama and Undie Sale. When I decide to stage this event, interested parties will receive sufficient notice to allow them to save adequate funds to purchase a pair of unused O'Connor PJs.

When I was a teenager, I read that Marilyn Monroe slept naked. This revelation was deeply disturbing and had an adverse effect on my own sleep patterns for several years. I trace my distaste for sleepwear back to this time. In my sadly unhinged mind, I imagined that if I slept naked, then one night I would leap into bed and there, carmen lips pursed in anticipation of a night of sensual excess, would lie Marilyn.

It will come as no great surprise to readers that this never occurred. Still, displaying more optimism than is healthy, I have persevered with my pyjama embargo over the decades, Marilyn being replaced at varying intervals by more contemporary sex goddesses, all of whom have showed a similar disinclination to materialise in my bed.

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